Ep 8. All together now

It’s Her Majesty’s birthday but instead of letting off cannons, honouring knights or playing gin rummy with Madge, her Lady in Waiting, the Queen is on Zoom. The video call is split three ways, linking Windsor, Norfolk and Karori. “I like the medieval backdrop she’s chosen,” Meghan whispers to Harry, seated together in view of […]

Ep 7. Gooped!

It’s mid-morning, and the queue outside Karori Mall is longer and livelier than usual. “What’s going on?” asks Bridget, joining the line. “Haven’t you heard?” someone answers, excitedly. “Meghan Markle’s opened a shop. And she’s giving away designer stuff for free!” “Like what?” Bridget wants to know. Scanning for clues, she watches delighted shoppers emerging […]

Ep 6. Meghan’s plan

Camilla bursts into the drawing room to find Harry fuming, and Meghan leafing angrily through a magazine. “Bloody Aunt Anne,” Harry is saying, sourly. “What’s going orn?” Camilla wants to know. “Princess Anne’s in Vanity Fair,” Meghan says, pained. She looks at Charles. “It’s a magazine for rich Americans who don’t have the attention span […]

Ep 5. Book club

Bleep! Bleep! One by one, the Book Bitches of Beauchamp Street materialise on screen for their weekly lockdown club meeting. Bridget leads the group. “Okay, Bitches,” she says. “The Duchess of Cornwall is joining us tonight and I’m not even kidding.” She tops up her glass with more Chardonnay, which she’s been chain-sipping since five […]

Ep 4. The plot sickens

Camilla is positively steaming with rage. Harry and Meghan, coming to Karori and bunking down at Homewood? What a ruddy nightmare! For one thing, Meghan had all manner of odd dietary requirements. She seemed to live on green juice and goji berries, whatever the blazes they were. Inevitably, Charles and Camilla would have to kiss […]

Ep 3. The Queen’s speech

Homewood, drawing room Camilla’s on hold, listening to muzak. It’s Slice of Heaven, because when you’re on hold in New Zealand, it’s always Slice of Heaven. A smooth prerecorded voice interrupts Dave Dobbyn. “Kia ora, and welcome to Air New Zealand.” “About chuffing time,” mutters Camilla. “Your call is important to us, but we’re experiencing […]

Ep 2: Deliverance country

Homewood, yesterday “Any luck?” Camilla asks Charles, padding into the drawing room in a quilted silk dressing gown. She sweeps open a heavy curtain and surveys a sparkling autumn morning – their first in Karori. Charles is sitting in front of a pixellated Skype connection, waiting for Windsor Castle to pick up. “Not yet. It […]

Ep 1: And so it begins

The Scottish highlands, not long ago “Bloody hell, Charles,” remarks Camilla, when he tells her he’s tested positive. She takes two discreet steps backward. “It’s certainly less than ideal,” says Charles. He begins pacing across the tartan carpet, his fingers interlaced in their familiar steeple. “I understand it’s already in the news.” “I can’t imagine […]

The Windsors are coming

Do you know what I was recently paid to do, once a fortnight? I wrote celebrity parodies for Your Weekend and Stuff. I know, right? Pretending to be Celine Dion, Nigella Lawson and Camilla Parker Bowles was probably the jolliest job I’ve ever had and trust me, I’ve been around the block a few times. But then COVID-19 […]

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